Amber wrote this and presented it to the Summa Academy staff in early 2017, before she was diagnosed with stage 4 brain metastasis. The ™ is a little tongue-in-cheek.
When I examine the root cause of my challenging moments, I find one of two things: either fear (Am I going to mess up? Am I doing this wrong? What if someone else looks at me and thinks I am a bad parent? Oh god, I am a bad parent!); or judgement (I am a bad parent. I don’t spend enough time with my kids. I spend too much time doing X when I really should be doing Y. I know that she thinks I am a bad parent, or bad at…, Oh, I said a stupid thing. Oh no, I handled that so poorly.) I would wager that if you became curious about the root cause of your challenges, you would arrive at similar findings.
Judgement is still judgement whether it is deemed “good” (I handled that really well) or “bad” (oh man, I handled that so poorly). When it is deemed “good” it can make us feel momentarily great. When it’s negative it can ruin even our not so terrible moments. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are judging ourselves right away. We think that the judgement is coming from another person. When we think that “they” are judging us, it is actually self judgement that we have displaced onto, or attributed to another person. This is called projection. Psychologists make a lot of money helping us sort out this inevitable mess. I have a more elegant solution, but first let’s look at judgement’s partner in crime: fear.
Judgement is almost always accompanied by fear, and vice-versa. They are intertwined in some sort of twisted partnership. The fear that comes with judgement is not the same as the fear that comes from being in danger. It is not that feeling you get when your child runs towards the street. It is subtler and more insidious than that. It seeps into our hearts like doubt, and blocks our ability to be in relationship. Fear is greedy, it demands our attention. With relationship blocked, we can no longer relate to ourselves, our friends, our family members, or our children. We must instead relate to our fear and judgement of ourselves. Or in the case of projection, our fear of what “they” might be thinking of us.
Just in case anyone is reading this and thinking, “I don’t do that.” I am here to tell you that we all do it. We judge ourselves and when we do we block access to our inherent wisdom. I have come up with a new word for this very human dynamic: Fudgement™.
Fudgement™ = fear and judgement. In combination in any way, in any order.
We get in our own way when we are caught in Fudgement™. We block access to our brilliance. Remember, we all have our brilliant moments and we all have our duller, less vibrant moments. The key is to allow for both without judging ourselves or feeling afraid that we will damage our children, our family, ourselves, or any relationships we have with loved ones. When we have a less than stellar parenting moment or personal moment, it just means that we have something to learn, usually about ourselves. If we can keep this perspective, that this is a learning opportunity, and not judge ourselves, or allow doubt to creep in, then we can stay open to growth and change. If we can stay curious, we can evolve. We can move past our fears, our judgment, by recognizing it and allowing it to be just part of our experience, instead of our whole experience. All it takes is careful attention, perseverance, and ruthless curiosity about ourselves.
Let me give you an example from my teaching practice. Sometimes when I am introducing a new section in art class, a student will say to me, “I can’t do this project. Can I do another one of the last project we just completed instead?”
“Well let’s see”, I say, “why don’t you want to do this project?”
The student often responds, “I just don’t think I can do it.” Or “I just don’t want to.”
“Of course you don’t think you can do it yet, we haven’t even begun the lesson!” I explain with a silly affect and a smile, bringing humor to the moment. “It sounds to me like you are feeling a bit scared about trying something new. How about we go through the lesson and just give it a try, ok?” Sometimes this is all it takes for the student to move past their fear. Sometimes not and I’ll ask them to recall a time when they felt this way at the beginning of another art project that they successfully completed. “Remember when we did sculpture last term? I seem to remember that you felt this same way at the beginning of that project. Do you remember that?” I inquire.
“Yeah,” they’ll say, still feeling apprehensive.
“And remember how you gave it a try and you created that amazing bird that you were really proud of?” I ask.
“Yeah! The one with the blue bead eyes?” Their face lights up as they remember, excitedly.
“Yes!” I’ll exclaim, matching their enthusiasm. “Well, you were unsure at the beginning of that project too, and then you gave it a try and created something you were really proud of, remember?”
“Yes!”
“Do you think you could do that again? What do you say we use that memory to power you through your hesitancy to try this new project?”
“Okay!” And off they will go to tackle their next masterpiece.
Wonderful – children are so resilient and open when you take the time to guide them in a moment of fear. So why don’t we give ourselves that same patience and guidance? I guarantee whatever reason just popped into your head is either a fear or self judgement. It is time to stop that cycle. It’s time to extend the same patience and kindness you give to your child or student to yourself. Allow for mistakes, and remember we are all learning in every moment of our lives. We don’t stop learning just because we are “grown-ups” (thank goodness!).
So, what is the antithesis to Fudgement™? How do we address it? I have found the answers to be humor and acceptance. How can we get there? It begins with paying attention, then being honest with ourselves about where we are and what is happening for us. By being curious about ourselves. We judge to protect, we judge to make ourselves feel okay when we are really afraid. We judge because that is what was modeled to us when we were young. That is not an excuse; it is a natural part of growing up. When you are little, your parents feel big. They seem all powerful, and we are super sensitive to their reactions to us, their attitudes. We take those on as our own, and change our behavior accordingly. That is natural, it is part of how we grow and learn when we are children. People say it is hard to accept aspects of ourselves that we deem bad or negative, but what if that was just because we are out of practice? What if with practice—a sustained intentional effort—it became easy to accept ourselves? Dare I say, as easy as the judgment, but not nearly as painful. When we accept, judgement becomes quite challenging to sustain.
Likewise, when we laugh it is hard to be fearful. Remember my example with my art student? I adopted a silly affect to my voice, bringing humor to the moment. When we laugh, we cannot be afraid. Go ahead and try it. The two can’t exist at the same time. Brain research shows us there is a chemical reason for this. Fear releases adrenaline into our systems and laughter releases dopamine. That is how hard wired this human phenomenon is. Putting the brain science aside, look at your own experience. What stifles any fear? Humor. When we can reflect on ourselves and laugh, we bring lightness to the moment, and we relax. When we relax we are open. Being open allows us to experience the present moment for what it is, just a moment, an opportunity for connection and growth.
Recognizing your fear and self-judgement is the first step. Once you are aware of it, then you can laugh and accept yourself. Stay curious. Be honest with yourself. Take the time to practice. This is one of the most important things you can do to gain access to your inherent greatness. When you move through life recognizing the moments you are caught in fear, when you are judging yourself or another person, only then do you have the space to make a different choice. Bring humor to the moment. Laugh, accept yourself and move on. This is a key to your freedom, embrace it, and allow it to change you. I promise it is worth the effort. For when we are free of Fudgement™, we are free to be the greatest version of ourselves.
– Amber Seashine Kara
August 20, 2016